fits

Every once and a while, I loose control. Something else takes over me, I don't know what it is. I get very angry and don't know how to handle it. I don't ever remember being angry until a few years ago, so maybe people learn to handle anger as children but I never did because I was never angry. Oh, I do remember one time. I was in eighth grade and my sister would not get out of my room (or something, actually I don't remember) and I was so angry I slapped her. She cried, and I felt so bad afterwards I never did anything like it again. Plus soon after that she was able to beat me up. She never has, except one time in Krav Maga class she was supposed to pretend-punch me but she actually punched me and I got a black eye.

Anyway, when it takes over I want to throw things or break things, and I cry until I fall over or hyperventilate. It doesn't happen very often, but the past few months it has been more. The pain of being separate from husband has been setting it off... and of not knowing when we will be together again. Or maybe its my selfish reaction to life not going my way. This is not where I planned to be right now; this is not the summer I wanted to have. I made this blog to tell of adventures in Korea, not temper tantrums.

When it happens, I feel like saying really mean things that aren't true at all to husband. Mostly I've held them in. I forget that my life is pretty good. I'm apart from my husband when I thought I would be with him, sure, but I have a great family and it's my favorite season and I have a great husband... and I do believe that the Lord has a plan. And.... and... i guess (scrunches up faces and sucks in a deep breath)... this is part of it. Oh, and I'm a spoiled little brat of an army wife for complaining about 5 months without him.