holding pattern

I am a plane circling the airport, waiting for permission to land. I am an actress whose tv show has been suspended indefinitely. I am a baby waiting to be born.

I feel like my life is on hold, postponed. I also feel like I've been robbed of something I deserved, or at least something that was promised to me. I was supposed to be in Korea now, with my husband, or at least be getting ready to go. Instead, the paperwork has not even gotten started. This was supposed to be done months ago. Months. I was supposed to know by now.

So now I'm caught between anger and duty. I do not want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere but in South Korea with my husband. But I also need to be a good wife. I can't expect husband to be my everything. If I do, I probably won't be happy with him even if we are living (!) together. I'd end up feeling like I never have enough of him, and I'd drag him down instead of lifting him up. Most of the time I remember to be encouraging, now, but sometimes I am overwhelmed by anger or fear or frustration... and that is all that comes out.

Also, I want to believe that this is part of the Lord's great plan. He just likes to take away every little speck of hope, and make me completely helpless to do anything about my situation, so I have the choice only to worry or trust. And then, when I finally give up and say that however he wants to work things out is fine with me, I guess, something incredible happens. Its happened before. But what if he just decides he doesn't want us to be together this summer? Or, he does, but only for a week or two (I think that would be even worse)? Lord, I trust you, even if that happens. I guess.