college reflection

Being at Messiah makes me want to start college over. This is impractical, I know. I haven't even finished up the first time yet. But I want the excitement of meeting all kinds of new people who all want to make new friends. The second time around, I'd take more advantage of everything. Like making friends with the people on my hallway. I'd be less of a recluse. Also, I think I'd go to a small Christian college. I love Penn State, but I think I missed some element of "making your own fun" that comes from small-town-campus isolation and enforced chastity. Like dorm room hammocks, frying squirrels on Foremans, and the contrived socialization of one dinning hall. And roasting goat on a spit. I hardly ever ate with friends (more than one friend at a time) in the dinning halls. I haven't eaten there at all in the past two and a half years. Of course, I have my own apartment. Actually I'm up to five apartments: three in State College, one in Tucson, one in Rome. That has its perks. Like... privacy. (that doesn't apply to the one in Italy). Save money on food. (Doesn't apply in Italy either). I should have had more pot-lucks. I can't wait to move to Korea and make some friends to invite over for dinner. Or just take some of husband's friends. Thinking about it, from my four years in college I have very few good friends. (I do have a few, so if you are reading this and think you are my good friend, you probably are). I did find a husband, so that's a plus. I guess I really just had a non-traditional college experience. Instead of meeting friends in the dinning hall I'd go over to this weird 23-year-old's apartment and make chili. Instead of watching movies in dorm rooms I snuck on the roof of Arby's late at night. Instead of playing video games or acoustic guitar I'd crochet and paint and take road trips to a hippie eco resort.

So in conclusion: Its best to foster the adventurous, social parts of me that lead to fun experiences and no regrets. And to suppress the angsty reclusive part that has good ideals, but really isn't any fun.

chlorine up nose

Ashley and I went to a social for college and and post-collegers tonight. We were quite a novelty, not being Jewish and all. Everyone wanted to talk to us; I haven't felt so popular in a long time. Of course, it may have just been our sheer beauty and cutting physiques.

When we got back, I used the hand dryer in the bathroom to blow dry my hair. I did for three button presses. But on the third time when I swung my head down, I my nose started burning like I'd just inhaled pool water. Except the burning started from the top and worked its way down. The only thing I can figure is that I have a cavity up in my forehead somewhere that got filled with chlorine the last time Ashely and I played categories*. Its been sitting up there until this evening when I thrust it out into my nasal cavity. Ashley agrees that this must be right. I do have a propensity to hold water inside me. Every time I swim laps I have to get my mom to pour a capful of alcohol into my ears to get the water out before I can hear again (like your mom may have done after swimming lessons when you were six).

*the one where you yell a category as a person jumps and they have to yell something in that category before they hit the water. I can't play it without inhaling pool water.

shalom!

This week I'm at a Messianic Jewish conference with my family. Of course, none of us are in anyway Jewish... no one will admit to me who's idea it was... but we are here and I'm excited about it.

The first session was tonight. At first everything was familiar, but then the songs all turned to Hebrew and there was an accordion and people clapped very fast and danced around in circles. It was very energetic and exciting-- like Fiddler on the Roof. I copied down some of the words onto my apple, so if anyone knows Hebrew (or the phonetic English version of it) they can translate:

Bara khee ifshee et Ad-nai
V’choi karadai et shem kadsha
Od avina chai
Am Yisrael chai

Half of the men here look like statues of David with tight locks of curly dark hair. The others have short dark hair and different variations of beards and look like Pastor Aaron (of ACF). And a few look like Moses. The women all have big brown eyes, big brown eyebrows, and long brown hair.

Tonight with dinner I had a Kosher pickle.

pine martins and contentment

I've decided what would be an even better population to develop in Seoul that monkeys... pine martins. They are little mammals that look like foxes but live in trees and eat squirrels. Actually, State College could use a few of those.

More seriously... what does it take to be content? I have everything I could ask for (minus proximity to my husband), but it still takes a really good day for me to feel... happy. Most days, I don't exercise enough, don't work as efficiently as I should, don't spend enough time learning Korean, don't use my artistic abilities, am not skinny enough, expect too much from my husband, and am not energetic and uplifting and of no use to the people around me (usually just my mom, my dad, Ashley, and Eric the guy working on our house).

Maybe I need to accept myself and each day the way it is--maybe I need to make more of an effort to use each day the best I can. Maybe both. Bah. Would I be happy if I was in Korea right now?

on safari

I asked husband if we could go on a safari when I get there, but he said no, there aren't any animals in Korea. Just people. So I've decided to bring some animals. I invited Maryanne, and she's still thinking about it. She's worried she'll get eaten, but I assured her they only eat dogs. But Maryanne doesn't have her female cat parts anymore, so she won't do much to build the population anyway. Husband suggested I get a meerkat, but I think they look too much like ferrets. I told him I'd rather have a monkey and a baby monkey. Then the baby can ride around clinging to its mother's stomach. I think a monkey would like it in Seoul.

trust

Husband has laid down the law. I come to Korea on command sponsorship or a student visa, that's it. No more planning a couch-surfing vacation to Seoul before I can get either one of those. No more asking him if I can come tomorrow. No more checking flight prices, just in case. No more scheming alternate ways to get a visa sooner.

I don't agree... I think I would be fine sleeping on couches for a few weeks, exploring and seeing him in the evenings and on weekends. I think I probably could get a visa sooner than the university will send me the papers I need for a student one. I have no idea when either of those 'legit' ways will come through! And its really hard to not be able to do anything!

But I trust his judgment.

a normal day

Nothing unusual happened today, so I think I'll write about that. I sat in my favorite spot on the porch and did some school work. I packed some of husband's kitchen supplies into tubs to send someday to our apartment in Korea. I had lunch with Ashley and Eric the guy working on our house. I talked to husband online, extra long today because its the weekend. I held up things of his and he said 'trash,' 'store,' or 'korea.' I sat out by the pool and read the newspaper, but it was too chilly to swim so I went for a jog and then I was hot so I swam. I felt really good the rest of the day-- I think I need to do that more often. I went to the grocery with my mom and took ridiculously long picking out what kind of lowfat ice cream I wanted, then we went to the liquor store and I got a new kind of wine I had read about. We cooked hamburgers and zucchini on the grill, I sat on the deck with my dad sipping Amstel light while they cooked. While we ate we watched two episodes of BBC's Planet Earth. My mom complained how much the animals ate each other.

I really do like this life. I like routine. I liked my life in State College too. I could be perfectly happy here, maybe, if there wasn't the possibility of something even better. Last night I went into West Chester and walked around. Outdoor cafes and restaurants were packed with people, sipping wine and eating greasy food. The atmosphere reminded me of Italy, and made me miss husband painfully. I always miss him in crowds of people and outside at night.

I'm spending the fall in Korea

Today I was accepted into Seoul National University for the fall. This was infinitely important and crucial and needed and good. It's the difference between a few weeks with my husband over the summer, and living with him until December or January. It means I'll be spending the fall in Korea!

I'd been waiting to hear for months. I knew I would hear today (from an admissions email last week, not prophetic revelation). I didn't know how to react when I heard. I just went and told Ashley, and my mom, and Eric the guy working on our house. Then I walked around saying I didn't know what to do, then I tried to call Korea but it didn't go through, then Ashley said we needed to take a walk. Later today I went outside and cried in the rain. I think it was partly happiness, partly missing husband, partly feeling emo from the thunderstorm.

I'm spending the fall in Korea. I'm spending the fall in Korea. I'm spending the fall in Korea.

six flags

Yesterday I went to six flags with Ashley and her teenage friends. I thought it would be good to get out of the house, break up my schedule and do something fun. I hadn't been on a roller coaster in a very long time. I forgot that they are terrifying.

We arrived at the park shortly after it opened, and ran (yes, ran) to their newest coaster--I forget the name--that the tv monitors playing while you wait in line say is the tallest and fastest in the world. I'm not sure I believe it, I'd think the tallest, fastest roller coaster would be somewhere in Asia, like Dubai. Either way, I got into that little train, fastened in, waited as it clanked into place, and was thrust to 128 miles per hour (206 km/h) in 3.5 seconds (I checked wikipedia for that one). Wiki agrees with the tv monitors. I was not quite prepared for that, and all I could do was grip whatever was in front of me and scream one long, continuous scream until the ride ended. I did the same thing on the next two coasters. Didn't know I was capable of screaming that much. Guess I never tried. I screamed for so long, the saliva just came running out of my mouth and flying into faces behind me. Literally. Ashley's friend, Mayo, said he felt it on more than one ride. Of course it could have been a spot of rain, or Ashley's spit. She said the same thing happens to her. Apparently we have alot of the same endearing quirks (like a lack of control of our saliva). Guess it's genetic.

fits

Every once and a while, I loose control. Something else takes over me, I don't know what it is. I get very angry and don't know how to handle it. I don't ever remember being angry until a few years ago, so maybe people learn to handle anger as children but I never did because I was never angry. Oh, I do remember one time. I was in eighth grade and my sister would not get out of my room (or something, actually I don't remember) and I was so angry I slapped her. She cried, and I felt so bad afterwards I never did anything like it again. Plus soon after that she was able to beat me up. She never has, except one time in Krav Maga class she was supposed to pretend-punch me but she actually punched me and I got a black eye.

Anyway, when it takes over I want to throw things or break things, and I cry until I fall over or hyperventilate. It doesn't happen very often, but the past few months it has been more. The pain of being separate from husband has been setting it off... and of not knowing when we will be together again. Or maybe its my selfish reaction to life not going my way. This is not where I planned to be right now; this is not the summer I wanted to have. I made this blog to tell of adventures in Korea, not temper tantrums.

When it happens, I feel like saying really mean things that aren't true at all to husband. Mostly I've held them in. I forget that my life is pretty good. I'm apart from my husband when I thought I would be with him, sure, but I have a great family and it's my favorite season and I have a great husband... and I do believe that the Lord has a plan. And.... and... i guess (scrunches up faces and sucks in a deep breath)... this is part of it. Oh, and I'm a spoiled little brat of an army wife for complaining about 5 months without him.

i can't do it anymore i can't be strong i hate where i am i cant be here anymore i cant

cherry pickin

This morning Ashley and I went cherry saving. We didn't pick much, we rescued. You know, from the birds. Before they eat them. You might think cherry saving sounds like a nice, easy little morning outing. But actually, it took two normal-skilled women plus one engineer-minded-rugby-player woman. I have two splinters, and lots of little thorn holes. But many cherries were saved. Now they will be made into jam.

no fight

I've spent today so far alternating between bits of school work and swimming in the pool. Its finally hot enough to, which for me is about 95.

Last night I started learning Korean. Its much harder than any other language I've studied (french, italian) which is logical but still surprised me. I did the first lesson one and a half times and still all I can remember is "shay-lay-za-man" which is excuse me. Oh, also "ney" is yes, which is confusing, and "anni-yo" is no. "Ha" is speak and "bowh-tay-yoh" is don't speak. I learned some other things but I can't remember those.

Oh, something a bit crazy happened this morning. There's a program husband wanted to get into, but if he did it would put me in a bad situation for about 5 weeks. It seemed to me like he was valuing his job over me by wanting it. But instead of getting mad and confronting him, I prayed that he would realize what the program would mean for me, and that other opportunities would come instead. Then this morning I told him how I felt and he said I was right and he'd look for other ways to be a better soldier, and maybe do that training next spring when we have to be apart anyway. I left feeling closer to him rather than mad or that empty feeling after a fight.

A Snee

HUsband said he was going to pray that I find a Snee. By 'find a Snee' he means (to the best of my knowledge) that I find a good friend... no... a best friend, to share life with (the part of life not already shared with husband, that is)... to keep out of trouble, to get me into trouble, to talk to, to make me laugh, to get me to do crazy things.

When he said it last week, it sounded ridiculous. Not ridiculous, very nice in theory, just out of the question. I don't have any friends still living around my parents' area (well, one at the moment, but she's leaving for France for the summer soon). And I don't have any way of making friends. Even if I was to find a nice little friend, she couldn't become a Snee in the time I have here before I go to Korea. So it was strange that husband decided to pray for that, instead of just that I would enjoy life here, or do some fun things, or not smash all of my mom's glasses on the floor when I get really upset.

Then about one day later I found a Snee. It was really simple, actually, she was sitting shotgun in my car. And she's readily available-- she lives right across the hall. I haven't said anything to husband yet; I wanted to confirm. But its been 5 or 6 days now, so I think its for sure. Her name is Ashley Brown, but I like to call her Ashpoo. Oh, and I just made up another one today, "fried egg'n ash browns."

I grew up next to her, but she wasn't as cool then. But since she's been home with me this week, I laugh and play games and I shriek when she squirts the hose at me and I think, to some extent, we understand each other.

So, that's it, my very own Snee, conveniently located down the street at our local Ace Hardware. But not to worry, she'll be back at 7:30 when she gets off work.