power plant park

Yesterday I went on a field trip to a landfill-turned park and power plant. These tubes go into the landfill and extract the methane, which is converted to electricity. Koreans love parks. Even on a Monday afternoon, their were people everywhere. I guess when you don't have very much open space, you appreciate it more. Or maybe there's a really high unemployment rate.

Every Korean male has to be in the army or police force for at least two years. I guess alot opt for the police, and as a result Korea has an unnecessarily large amount of cops. While in the States, a pair of cops drive around in a patrol car, in Korea, they travel in buses. Three or four buses full might, say, make sure everything's calm at a street festival . They park somewhere near the edge, then a few dozen 18 and 19 year old policemen hover around their buses for a few hours. Other times, they do random patrols, but always in groups of 5 or 6. They guard all the post entrances, but so far none of them have yelled at me for not waiting for the green walking man. They're probably too busy thinking about how to break up underground-decaf-coffee rings (as artificially decaffeinated products are illegal here).

Today one of my classmates told me that she didn't think I was American because I'm not fat.

school

Husband gets home tomorrow. It's been just me the past ten days. I'm busy, so its not too lonely. Though I did almost get a puppy. I know we should wait-- we have a small apartment, it'd be hard to go on trips (not that we've gone on any yet, but I'm hoping), I don't know how to train it, and it could have a bizarre Korean disease that won't let it come to the States.

I go back and forth between being excited about and then overwhelmed by/frustrated with school. I'm excited about my project, which I don't like to admit. I'd rather keep an angsty, complaining profile and pretend I hate landscape architecture. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm forced to do it, I decide I can't stand it. Recently I've come to like wearing business clothes, so the only problem I can see now with actually becoming a landscape architect some day is having to work 9 to 5. I refuse to sit down or do the same thing that long. And I'd have to get up way too early to run.

But anyway, I am actually excited about my project. There's not a ton of things I feel strongly about, but the sinister evils of suburban sprawl is one of them. And the army's quirky reproduction of it in South Korea. So I'm going to tell them how to do it better. Except that I'm not actually going to tell anyone anything. I don't even think my professor cares what I'm doing. I feel like I'm painting a masterpiece... on a wall getting ready to be plastered over. Not that my project will be a master piece, just that I'm doing alot of work for no one to see.

The other frustrating thing is a research project for my other class. Every idea I have my professor tells me is good, but keep thinking of other ideas. We're supposed to do a small-scale "experiment" to write about in a publishable paper. I could... see how long it takes me to be detained for suspected terrorism from taking sketches, pictures, and measurements on base.

jazz

Friday we went to a Jazz club, one of the more famous ones in Seoul. You wouldn't think it, but Korean jazz is excellent. Seriously. I've heard it three times now, and none have been disappointing. Good jazz players don't have to come New Orleans or Chicago. They can come from this little underdog continually being forgotten between China and Japan.

I also saw two things I've never seen before. One, a Korean with facial hair. A full beard in fact. Two, a Korean rapping. I'm not sure if it was in Korean or English. It sounded sort of like English, but I couldn't make out any of the words. But it sounded cool.

muido: island near seoul

Its actually not nearly as pristine as my pictures make it look. Cigarette butts, korean billboards, soju bottles, that garlicly fish smell that wafts from wherever koreans eat. Canadians staying up the entire night drunkenly singing old pop songs. 8x8 "hut" filled with blankets and pillows with an unknown last wash. But husband was there, looking so much like yuppy south american backpacker, so it was a good weekend.

Hookas and Chuseok

Friday we had a roof barbecue. One of the soldier's Korean girlfriends brought be some more toilet paper. Husband was upset because he burnt the burgers, so we did it again last night with one of our neighbors and Jinny, Korean real estate agent--turned Korean friend. He definitely succeeded time 2.

After dinner last night, we went to one of Husband's favorite bars. It has a classy European look, with glasses hanging from the ceiling, bottles back lit with colored lights on the walls, and sleek chairs. They play house techno/trance music and there are couches from smoking hookas.

Husband gets monday off for Chuseok, a Korean thanksgivingish holiday. We're going to try to join a friend on an island where you stay in beach huts.

Colony: America

Military bases are a really bizarre thing. Their purpose is to hold an army, and all the things that army needs in case North Korea attacks. Only, North Korea hasn't attacked for a very long time. With no attacks going on, the soldiers need something to keep them occupied, and make them okay with staying a while. So the army brings over some of the soldier's wives and children. Now wives and children aren't as easy to take care of as soldiers. They need schools. They need good old American restaurants. They need a gym with ellipticals and yoga classes. They need the array of foods they're accustomed to, shipped across the world and lined up in grocery aisles where they belong. They need cars and pets and movies for rent. And most of all they need a giant store where they can get all the familiar American products they might ever want.

So the army builds a mini-America, all mixed up with all of that war stuff, walled up in a few square miles inside a Korean metropolis. An armed, uniformed soldier directs traffic at the crosswalk as the elementary school lets out. Walking to the grocery store, I pass a fenced parking lots full of HMMWVs and other tactical vehicles. I squeeze between lines of fully geared troops marching the other way on the sidewalk.

I wonder what the Koreans think of us, this self-contained American colony inside their capital city. Those of us who ever come out of our walled little world, that is.

Some days I go a little crazy. For no obvious reason, I get frustrated at things that I shouldn't. I feel like things are going all wrong when really everything's fine. I eat my bibimbop too fast and then complain that my stomach hurts. I try to shop for the entire month at the commissary, then am mad that I can't carry all the groceries home on my back. And I don't know what to do next and I can't sit still.

To balance this post...we bought a microwave over the weekend and its pretty sweet. I burnt up the sponge yesterday though, trying to sterilize it. We have a water tank thing, with the big upside down jug on top, with hot and cold spigots. As soon as you put a new jug on, the water comes out almost boiling. There are some crazy Korean hot water nymphs living in there that do it.

We're having a barbecue on our roof tomorrow night.

Korea: Week Four

So far, living with Husband is so much fun. It's definitely been worth all the waiting.

I like Korea, too, and all its quirks. I stopped at a bathroom in the metro today and the toilet paper dispenser was on the wall next to the hand dryer. You grab a handful as you walk in, and take it in the stall with you. Unfortunately I didn't realize this until I was using the hand dryer.

The other day we had some of our neighbors (all Americans) over for dinner, and our Korean real estate agent, Jinny. Jinny brought me a case of toilet paper. She mumbled something about it being traditional... and I hate buying toilet paper so I didn't question it.

If you're standing up on a bus and carrying a large bag, sometimes old people sitting down will take the bag from you and hold it in their laps. They'll really tug at it until you give it to them. And then when you get off the bus they'll give it back.

The first pictures are ones I took at the university, which is on of the most beautiful places I've been in Seoul. The last one is two old men I saw in a park, sitting in a stream with a couple bottles of soju and some melons chilling around them.

snu id

Everything seems to take forever here, so I can never get enough done and am always busy. Today it took most of the afternoon to figure out how to create a user id for school. Of course, the website is entirely in Korean. There is an English "manual," that is very little help. The page had 3 blanks. The manual said the first one is your name (phonetically in Korean), the second your ssn, the third you student number. That did not work. I called the OIA (the office that deals with exchange students). Yesterday when I called for the same reason, they couldn't find anyone who spoke English. But today a very nice woman said she would look up what I should type in. But for the next few hours... didn't. I called back later, and got a man who said the only way to do it was to come into the office. Since I live 45+ minutes from the university, this is a problem. I asked to speak to the other woman, but the man she was on the phone. I asked him to have her call me when she finished, but the man said that the woman is always busy and will not have a chance. I told him to give her the freakin message. Finally, the woman called me and said she had sent me the email, and the simple explanation was that, actually, by "ssn" the computer wanted my date of birth, followed by the number 2 million. Why didn't I think of that?! All in all, I finally got my id, went to the website where my class information is posted, and it said (in English!) that after creating an id I should be able to log in within the next 6 hours...

in seoul

I've been here for almost two weeks. There's no way I can write about everything I've done, seen experienced... this post is just getting over the overwhlemingness of starting to.

Husband is back in the States, so I've been here 6 days alone now. Yesterday was my birthday (today in the states). My Korean real estate agents got a cake for me and a birthday hat and sang to me. I moved into our apartment Monday and I love it. Its on the seventh floor, overlooks post, has windows all around, and wood floors. Even an American washer and dryer. I really am going to be a housewife soon. And student! I'm freaking scared for this semester, doing an independent study thesis project studio with a Korean professor... I will pick some project and do something... unknown things are the scariest.

But I absolutely love experiencing the new culture and learning the language (its very hard). Seoul... in many ways is alot like Western cities I've been too... but has so many quirks and oddities its like nothing I've ever experienced.

I'm also excited to live at a base for the first time. And to meet other wives. And make friends. So far I only have friends I've borrowed from Husband.

(The pictures are a view from our apartment and some Koreans from above)

How it all began

An old friend facebookmailed me today, saying she'd read my blog and wondered how my faith 'came to be.' I started writing back to her, then thought this is gunna be a long facebookmail, I haven't blogged in a while, maybe someone else would like to know too, i'll just answer her there.
Yes, I was raised in a Christian household. My eighth grade journal is filled with prayers wanting to be better and please God more and make more people Christians. In ninth grade, I started going to a youth group called Fusion. The kids there played emo music, wore really tight pants and cool tee shirts, liked to break dance, and a couple had leopard-print hair*. They were also older than me and liked me, so I thought they were the coolest thing in the world. What was important, though, is that they talked about loving God, and caring about people like God does. In their case, that usually meant taking them to punk shows at the Legion or getting them to help leave a dead mouse in the youth pastor's freezer. Their philosophy on life reminds me alot of the book Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller (which i would recommend to... anyone). I learned, I guess, that loving God isn't about being good enough, its about your intent. And it doesn't have to be really hard; it can actually be fun.

Then later in high school, I'm not sure why it happened, but I decided not to care as much. It started out with me counting how many times people in my bible study would say "oh Lord" and "God I just pray that..." while they prayed. In certain Christian circles, the amount can be overwhelming. I guess I felt they were saying words to sound emotional... without substance. At the same time, I wouldn't eat very much for times, and hated when my Christian friends told me they were worried about how skinny I looked. And I was tired of feeling like an outsider at my school. I wanted to go to the parties that everyone else did and have fun. All the coolest emo guys had graduated, and I started dating guys with dubious morals... or none. Eventually I decided that I didn't know if I believed in God or not, and I wasn't going to think about it.

Then my freshman year of college I was pretty lonely, so I started going to different church-groups. I hated them all, but less and less each time. Then one night in October I think, I was sitting on a sofa in the basement of a church, tuning out whatever the pastor was saying, and I realized I still believed in God. I believed he existed, and I believed that if I trusted him, he would make my life good.

I pretty much hated life at the time, and though I knew that life would get better, I knew it would also always get worse again, and probably even worse than it was before. Like, I'd probably get married and have a few kids, and my life would become driving around little people with annoying voices while forgetting about the laundry and a husband working late and getting tired of me, more interested in the sexy woman at the office. Or maybe he'd die. Or, worst of all,maybe life would just be boring. I couldn't leave that up to chance. I guess someone might say, well its your own responsibility to make your life good. I guess I didn't think of that at the time. But, now I believe that's true even when you're living for the Lord, but you have the bonus of his promise to make you successful wherever you go (Joshua 1:7).

So, from that day, I changed my life. I broke up with the guy I was dating. I started going to church. I stopped hanging out with my pot-smoking friends (this does not mean I don't think Christians should hang out with people who smoke pot, it was just what I needed to do at the time). I started caring about the people who cared about me. I started praying and reading the bible everyday. I moved dorm rooms (okay, that was unrelated to God... but it was a nice symbol of a new start). I told God I would eat three meals a day, even if it meant I would get really fat (I actually thought I might, but turns out I didn't). Eating is still one of the hardest things for me, frustratingly.

That's 'how it all started,' more or less. This summer I've been starting to remember how important glorifying the Lord is. After all, that's why he made us. That's what he wants from us. That seems pretty vague, that is, if you're not used to "glorifying." But the best way to start is to pray and read the Bible. Pray and read the Bible. That's how God chooses to talk to us, and if you ask him he'll let you understand what he's saying. Maybe not right when you want him to, but eventually. God answers almost all of my prayers, but almost never when I want him to. Speaking of which, Lord, it would be nice if I could get command sponsorship...now. Or, you know, tomorrow would be okay too. But pleeeaaaase let me get over there with my husband soon!




*The crazy thing is, I went back to Fusion a few years ago and the kids still play emo music and wear tight pants.

Husband comes to America

Husband has been sent to good ole' States, the red white and blue, the land of the free... for 2 weeks and 3 days-- or something-- but during that time he gets to come see me!

And then sometime soon after that i'll fly across the world to Korea... because I start class at the end of August!

army wives

I watched an episode of Army Wives today. It was just like my life. Except for the lies, deceit, abuse, and extramarital children.

college reflection

Being at Messiah makes me want to start college over. This is impractical, I know. I haven't even finished up the first time yet. But I want the excitement of meeting all kinds of new people who all want to make new friends. The second time around, I'd take more advantage of everything. Like making friends with the people on my hallway. I'd be less of a recluse. Also, I think I'd go to a small Christian college. I love Penn State, but I think I missed some element of "making your own fun" that comes from small-town-campus isolation and enforced chastity. Like dorm room hammocks, frying squirrels on Foremans, and the contrived socialization of one dinning hall. And roasting goat on a spit. I hardly ever ate with friends (more than one friend at a time) in the dinning halls. I haven't eaten there at all in the past two and a half years. Of course, I have my own apartment. Actually I'm up to five apartments: three in State College, one in Tucson, one in Rome. That has its perks. Like... privacy. (that doesn't apply to the one in Italy). Save money on food. (Doesn't apply in Italy either). I should have had more pot-lucks. I can't wait to move to Korea and make some friends to invite over for dinner. Or just take some of husband's friends. Thinking about it, from my four years in college I have very few good friends. (I do have a few, so if you are reading this and think you are my good friend, you probably are). I did find a husband, so that's a plus. I guess I really just had a non-traditional college experience. Instead of meeting friends in the dinning hall I'd go over to this weird 23-year-old's apartment and make chili. Instead of watching movies in dorm rooms I snuck on the roof of Arby's late at night. Instead of playing video games or acoustic guitar I'd crochet and paint and take road trips to a hippie eco resort.

So in conclusion: Its best to foster the adventurous, social parts of me that lead to fun experiences and no regrets. And to suppress the angsty reclusive part that has good ideals, but really isn't any fun.

chlorine up nose

Ashley and I went to a social for college and and post-collegers tonight. We were quite a novelty, not being Jewish and all. Everyone wanted to talk to us; I haven't felt so popular in a long time. Of course, it may have just been our sheer beauty and cutting physiques.

When we got back, I used the hand dryer in the bathroom to blow dry my hair. I did for three button presses. But on the third time when I swung my head down, I my nose started burning like I'd just inhaled pool water. Except the burning started from the top and worked its way down. The only thing I can figure is that I have a cavity up in my forehead somewhere that got filled with chlorine the last time Ashely and I played categories*. Its been sitting up there until this evening when I thrust it out into my nasal cavity. Ashley agrees that this must be right. I do have a propensity to hold water inside me. Every time I swim laps I have to get my mom to pour a capful of alcohol into my ears to get the water out before I can hear again (like your mom may have done after swimming lessons when you were six).

*the one where you yell a category as a person jumps and they have to yell something in that category before they hit the water. I can't play it without inhaling pool water.

shalom!

This week I'm at a Messianic Jewish conference with my family. Of course, none of us are in anyway Jewish... no one will admit to me who's idea it was... but we are here and I'm excited about it.

The first session was tonight. At first everything was familiar, but then the songs all turned to Hebrew and there was an accordion and people clapped very fast and danced around in circles. It was very energetic and exciting-- like Fiddler on the Roof. I copied down some of the words onto my apple, so if anyone knows Hebrew (or the phonetic English version of it) they can translate:

Bara khee ifshee et Ad-nai
V’choi karadai et shem kadsha
Od avina chai
Am Yisrael chai

Half of the men here look like statues of David with tight locks of curly dark hair. The others have short dark hair and different variations of beards and look like Pastor Aaron (of ACF). And a few look like Moses. The women all have big brown eyes, big brown eyebrows, and long brown hair.

Tonight with dinner I had a Kosher pickle.

pine martins and contentment

I've decided what would be an even better population to develop in Seoul that monkeys... pine martins. They are little mammals that look like foxes but live in trees and eat squirrels. Actually, State College could use a few of those.

More seriously... what does it take to be content? I have everything I could ask for (minus proximity to my husband), but it still takes a really good day for me to feel... happy. Most days, I don't exercise enough, don't work as efficiently as I should, don't spend enough time learning Korean, don't use my artistic abilities, am not skinny enough, expect too much from my husband, and am not energetic and uplifting and of no use to the people around me (usually just my mom, my dad, Ashley, and Eric the guy working on our house).

Maybe I need to accept myself and each day the way it is--maybe I need to make more of an effort to use each day the best I can. Maybe both. Bah. Would I be happy if I was in Korea right now?

on safari

I asked husband if we could go on a safari when I get there, but he said no, there aren't any animals in Korea. Just people. So I've decided to bring some animals. I invited Maryanne, and she's still thinking about it. She's worried she'll get eaten, but I assured her they only eat dogs. But Maryanne doesn't have her female cat parts anymore, so she won't do much to build the population anyway. Husband suggested I get a meerkat, but I think they look too much like ferrets. I told him I'd rather have a monkey and a baby monkey. Then the baby can ride around clinging to its mother's stomach. I think a monkey would like it in Seoul.

trust

Husband has laid down the law. I come to Korea on command sponsorship or a student visa, that's it. No more planning a couch-surfing vacation to Seoul before I can get either one of those. No more asking him if I can come tomorrow. No more checking flight prices, just in case. No more scheming alternate ways to get a visa sooner.

I don't agree... I think I would be fine sleeping on couches for a few weeks, exploring and seeing him in the evenings and on weekends. I think I probably could get a visa sooner than the university will send me the papers I need for a student one. I have no idea when either of those 'legit' ways will come through! And its really hard to not be able to do anything!

But I trust his judgment.

a normal day

Nothing unusual happened today, so I think I'll write about that. I sat in my favorite spot on the porch and did some school work. I packed some of husband's kitchen supplies into tubs to send someday to our apartment in Korea. I had lunch with Ashley and Eric the guy working on our house. I talked to husband online, extra long today because its the weekend. I held up things of his and he said 'trash,' 'store,' or 'korea.' I sat out by the pool and read the newspaper, but it was too chilly to swim so I went for a jog and then I was hot so I swam. I felt really good the rest of the day-- I think I need to do that more often. I went to the grocery with my mom and took ridiculously long picking out what kind of lowfat ice cream I wanted, then we went to the liquor store and I got a new kind of wine I had read about. We cooked hamburgers and zucchini on the grill, I sat on the deck with my dad sipping Amstel light while they cooked. While we ate we watched two episodes of BBC's Planet Earth. My mom complained how much the animals ate each other.

I really do like this life. I like routine. I liked my life in State College too. I could be perfectly happy here, maybe, if there wasn't the possibility of something even better. Last night I went into West Chester and walked around. Outdoor cafes and restaurants were packed with people, sipping wine and eating greasy food. The atmosphere reminded me of Italy, and made me miss husband painfully. I always miss him in crowds of people and outside at night.

I'm spending the fall in Korea

Today I was accepted into Seoul National University for the fall. This was infinitely important and crucial and needed and good. It's the difference between a few weeks with my husband over the summer, and living with him until December or January. It means I'll be spending the fall in Korea!

I'd been waiting to hear for months. I knew I would hear today (from an admissions email last week, not prophetic revelation). I didn't know how to react when I heard. I just went and told Ashley, and my mom, and Eric the guy working on our house. Then I walked around saying I didn't know what to do, then I tried to call Korea but it didn't go through, then Ashley said we needed to take a walk. Later today I went outside and cried in the rain. I think it was partly happiness, partly missing husband, partly feeling emo from the thunderstorm.

I'm spending the fall in Korea. I'm spending the fall in Korea. I'm spending the fall in Korea.

six flags

Yesterday I went to six flags with Ashley and her teenage friends. I thought it would be good to get out of the house, break up my schedule and do something fun. I hadn't been on a roller coaster in a very long time. I forgot that they are terrifying.

We arrived at the park shortly after it opened, and ran (yes, ran) to their newest coaster--I forget the name--that the tv monitors playing while you wait in line say is the tallest and fastest in the world. I'm not sure I believe it, I'd think the tallest, fastest roller coaster would be somewhere in Asia, like Dubai. Either way, I got into that little train, fastened in, waited as it clanked into place, and was thrust to 128 miles per hour (206 km/h) in 3.5 seconds (I checked wikipedia for that one). Wiki agrees with the tv monitors. I was not quite prepared for that, and all I could do was grip whatever was in front of me and scream one long, continuous scream until the ride ended. I did the same thing on the next two coasters. Didn't know I was capable of screaming that much. Guess I never tried. I screamed for so long, the saliva just came running out of my mouth and flying into faces behind me. Literally. Ashley's friend, Mayo, said he felt it on more than one ride. Of course it could have been a spot of rain, or Ashley's spit. She said the same thing happens to her. Apparently we have alot of the same endearing quirks (like a lack of control of our saliva). Guess it's genetic.

fits

Every once and a while, I loose control. Something else takes over me, I don't know what it is. I get very angry and don't know how to handle it. I don't ever remember being angry until a few years ago, so maybe people learn to handle anger as children but I never did because I was never angry. Oh, I do remember one time. I was in eighth grade and my sister would not get out of my room (or something, actually I don't remember) and I was so angry I slapped her. She cried, and I felt so bad afterwards I never did anything like it again. Plus soon after that she was able to beat me up. She never has, except one time in Krav Maga class she was supposed to pretend-punch me but she actually punched me and I got a black eye.

Anyway, when it takes over I want to throw things or break things, and I cry until I fall over or hyperventilate. It doesn't happen very often, but the past few months it has been more. The pain of being separate from husband has been setting it off... and of not knowing when we will be together again. Or maybe its my selfish reaction to life not going my way. This is not where I planned to be right now; this is not the summer I wanted to have. I made this blog to tell of adventures in Korea, not temper tantrums.

When it happens, I feel like saying really mean things that aren't true at all to husband. Mostly I've held them in. I forget that my life is pretty good. I'm apart from my husband when I thought I would be with him, sure, but I have a great family and it's my favorite season and I have a great husband... and I do believe that the Lord has a plan. And.... and... i guess (scrunches up faces and sucks in a deep breath)... this is part of it. Oh, and I'm a spoiled little brat of an army wife for complaining about 5 months without him.

i can't do it anymore i can't be strong i hate where i am i cant be here anymore i cant

cherry pickin

This morning Ashley and I went cherry saving. We didn't pick much, we rescued. You know, from the birds. Before they eat them. You might think cherry saving sounds like a nice, easy little morning outing. But actually, it took two normal-skilled women plus one engineer-minded-rugby-player woman. I have two splinters, and lots of little thorn holes. But many cherries were saved. Now they will be made into jam.

no fight

I've spent today so far alternating between bits of school work and swimming in the pool. Its finally hot enough to, which for me is about 95.

Last night I started learning Korean. Its much harder than any other language I've studied (french, italian) which is logical but still surprised me. I did the first lesson one and a half times and still all I can remember is "shay-lay-za-man" which is excuse me. Oh, also "ney" is yes, which is confusing, and "anni-yo" is no. "Ha" is speak and "bowh-tay-yoh" is don't speak. I learned some other things but I can't remember those.

Oh, something a bit crazy happened this morning. There's a program husband wanted to get into, but if he did it would put me in a bad situation for about 5 weeks. It seemed to me like he was valuing his job over me by wanting it. But instead of getting mad and confronting him, I prayed that he would realize what the program would mean for me, and that other opportunities would come instead. Then this morning I told him how I felt and he said I was right and he'd look for other ways to be a better soldier, and maybe do that training next spring when we have to be apart anyway. I left feeling closer to him rather than mad or that empty feeling after a fight.

A Snee

HUsband said he was going to pray that I find a Snee. By 'find a Snee' he means (to the best of my knowledge) that I find a good friend... no... a best friend, to share life with (the part of life not already shared with husband, that is)... to keep out of trouble, to get me into trouble, to talk to, to make me laugh, to get me to do crazy things.

When he said it last week, it sounded ridiculous. Not ridiculous, very nice in theory, just out of the question. I don't have any friends still living around my parents' area (well, one at the moment, but she's leaving for France for the summer soon). And I don't have any way of making friends. Even if I was to find a nice little friend, she couldn't become a Snee in the time I have here before I go to Korea. So it was strange that husband decided to pray for that, instead of just that I would enjoy life here, or do some fun things, or not smash all of my mom's glasses on the floor when I get really upset.

Then about one day later I found a Snee. It was really simple, actually, she was sitting shotgun in my car. And she's readily available-- she lives right across the hall. I haven't said anything to husband yet; I wanted to confirm. But its been 5 or 6 days now, so I think its for sure. Her name is Ashley Brown, but I like to call her Ashpoo. Oh, and I just made up another one today, "fried egg'n ash browns."

I grew up next to her, but she wasn't as cool then. But since she's been home with me this week, I laugh and play games and I shriek when she squirts the hose at me and I think, to some extent, we understand each other.

So, that's it, my very own Snee, conveniently located down the street at our local Ace Hardware. But not to worry, she'll be back at 7:30 when she gets off work.

holding pattern

I am a plane circling the airport, waiting for permission to land. I am an actress whose tv show has been suspended indefinitely. I am a baby waiting to be born.

I feel like my life is on hold, postponed. I also feel like I've been robbed of something I deserved, or at least something that was promised to me. I was supposed to be in Korea now, with my husband, or at least be getting ready to go. Instead, the paperwork has not even gotten started. This was supposed to be done months ago. Months. I was supposed to know by now.

So now I'm caught between anger and duty. I do not want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere but in South Korea with my husband. But I also need to be a good wife. I can't expect husband to be my everything. If I do, I probably won't be happy with him even if we are living (!) together. I'd end up feeling like I never have enough of him, and I'd drag him down instead of lifting him up. Most of the time I remember to be encouraging, now, but sometimes I am overwhelmed by anger or fear or frustration... and that is all that comes out.

Also, I want to believe that this is part of the Lord's great plan. He just likes to take away every little speck of hope, and make me completely helpless to do anything about my situation, so I have the choice only to worry or trust. And then, when I finally give up and say that however he wants to work things out is fine with me, I guess, something incredible happens. Its happened before. But what if he just decides he doesn't want us to be together this summer? Or, he does, but only for a week or two (I think that would be even worse)? Lord, I trust you, even if that happens. I guess.